vendredi 24 décembre 2010

Letter 66


Hi Dad!
How are you? And I’m so glad we’re here finally. It’s great to be with the family again. Tonight’s the big dinner as usual and for some reason I’m really excited. Apparently there are more people my age that are coming apart from the two friends I’ve already made. So it’s going to be cool.
This year Nicole and Julien came with us and Eddy joined us too. So did Maha, Rasha’s friend from London. She’s great. It’s amazing and I already I don’t want to leave. As usual the schools cut the vacation too short: From the 21st to the 2nd. It’s extremely annoying. But I don’t have much homework so that’s a major plus.
We already went to the beach. Pap did you know about Dr. Fish? It’s the most genius thing ever. You now the fish that stay around the hippopotamus and feeds on its dead skin? Yeah? So they have a place here called Dr. Fish where you sit and dip you feet in a aquarium and these fish eat allllllll your dead skin. I tried and put only one finger first but the fish didn’t react I tried another and whoosh they attached it. It doesn’t hurt. But it has a sort of nibble or tickling feeling. The idea of the fish actually eating me freaked me out. And I can’t wait to try it again.
As for the week before coming to Muscat, nothing much happened. I had my exams and I did well. The last day, I finished my exam at 9:30 and at 9:35, Claudia, Maylis and me were already in the taxi heading to Nahr-Ibrahim. We picked-up along the way Bettina and we went to the school. It’s extremely far from my school and it took us an hour to get there. But anyway I had my first concert there and it was fantastic the feeling on stage was great. I sung Zombie by the Cranberries first in the sound check a people responded pretty well. Then we ended up playing one son g instead of two. We played Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes. And it was nerve wracking during the whole song I was so scared to mess up but thank the good lord I didn’t and I actually had a lot of fun. The crowd was huge… Well it was a school thing. But I did feel a bit of an outsider. We were the only ones who didn’t actually go to the school so we did get a few looks here and there. But its fine, our friends were great. Later on we passed by pizza hut got a few pizzas and went to my friends house in Harisa. We stayed there till 9:30. We played piano and guitar, played music and tried to write a song. We had a blast.
Anyway, I’ll tell you all about the Christmas dinner tomorrow .
And I really wish you were here. You would make this vacation a whole lot better.
I send you a thousand kisses and many tight hugs.
Love
Your Symzette

dimanche 12 décembre 2010

Letter 65

Hi Dad!
How are you? I miss you. So I'm in the middle of my exam period... And I'm stressing because tomorrow I have my french exam. I'm supposed to sit for 4 hours on a chair. Even you know how hard that is for someone like me.
Anyway, so as i told you before, I'm in s band. And on the 21st I have my first concert... Well technically talent show. We're going to perform two songs at my friends school: -Zombie and Seven Nation Army. I'm so scared. But one thing I'm keeping in mind is that if i mess up at least i don't know thee people there...
I love you Dad and i wish you could be there with me. So that if i started to panic I could just search the crowd and see you. But I WILL think about you. Like i always do when I'm not sure or confident.
I miss you so much.
Xx

mardi 7 décembre 2010

Letter 64

Hi Dad!
How are you? I miss you. I wish you were here the day me and mum went to Douma in Batroun to learn how they make olive oil. We made our own and apparently it's really good. I didn't taste it yet but mom did. They gave us complementary 1/2 L bottle of the olive oil we made that day.
We left home at 8:30 Am And arrived at 11:30. Yeah an extremely long ride. We were about 25 in a bus (not a pullman) But that's ok. I'm being precise because two women that were sitting behind me did not stop complaining about the "smallness" of the bus. And if they weren't complaining about the bus it was either about the long trip or the loads of work they have to do for the next week. I felt like i was going to hit someone. Plus they had a fake english accent. Yup that makes a hundred times worse.
We arrived, we walked around a bit, visited a house were Nadine Labake is going to shoot her movie and then we went to the field.
There we picked olives. (Of course, the two women stayed on the side of the road bickering). Then we ate manakish. Then saw how we make olive oil. First they separate the olives from the leafs, hen ground them with two huge rocks (it's the oldest machine in Lebanon) then a machine puts the pasty olives (skin and seed included) on a sort of plat round thingy made of straw. They stack then stack them one of top of the other. They compress them a take the liquid that come out. It looked brown. It was a mix of water, mud, oil and more... Then they separate the oil for the rest and we get extra super virgin olive oil.
I was a very cool experience. Douma was really nice. And the day was extremely interesting.
I love you dad
And i miss you so much
Many kisses
Your Symz
Xx

vendredi 19 novembre 2010

Mum's India trip












Letter 63

Hi Dad!
How are you? I miss you. I'm just writing to tell you that life's been good for me lately. I'm on vacation thanks to the eid el-Adha. So i have one week off. I've been going out with my friends a lot and having a lot of fun.
Mom came back from India last week and she had a blast. I think it was the perfect break for her. When she came back she looked amazing. I'll send you a picture now and you'll see.
I love you!
And i miss you so much
A hundred kisses
Your syma

vendredi 12 novembre 2010

Letter 62

Hi Dad!
How are you? Guess what? I'm sick... And it sucks... So I stayed home today and didn't go to school. Yesterday it was Lyne's birthday. I left early school to "rest" but we ended up having lunch at Beirut Souks then Lyne had a meeting so we parted. Nicole was with us, we went to Khoury Home because mom had to pay for a wedding wish-list and we got Lyne an american coffee maker. We dropped off Nicole and then went to Habtour to get Lynno coffee from Dunkin'. Then we went home. At 7PM I was asleep.
I miss you so much.
Your Samsouma that loves you enormously

lundi 1 novembre 2010

Letter 61

Hi dad!
How are you? I miss you so much! Guess what?! Mom is in India! She left with one of Myriam's organized group. It sounds like she's having fun...
She's constantly sending me messages. She left Thursday, and friday and today i didn't have school. My weekend was packed! Thursday after school i went to Loulwa's to finish filming for my documentary. T
he day after that from 1 till 6 i was at Karl's house we had band practice. We're doing two Eric Clapton songs and some Guns 'N' Roses. It's okay... Not really my type of music... But it's fun. Mostly i'm going it to get rid of my nervousness in front of a crowd.
Then Saturday in the morning I studied and seeing that i was supposed to go to a halloween party I dressed up as Lady Gaga! I drew (Lyn did most the drawing) a blue lightning bolt on my face and i wore an electric blue wig. But before the halloween party I had Battle Of the Bands, my friends were participating. So at 5:30 i left the house to go to Jounieh where i met up with the whole group. It was really nice. One band was scary. It was Metal music and all screaming but surprisingly the singer was good! Then there was a band called BTL (Between the Line) they were awesome. Their drummer was phenomenal. And the singers' voice was really nice.
After battle of the bands we received messages saying there was no more tickets for the halloween party. We were about 15 and we didn't know where to go. We then decided to go to Gemayze and 7 of us decided to go to a pub. We danced it  was really fun.
Then the next day was also packed. In the morning i studied until Lynno screamed at me that we had to leavre (around 12:45) We then went to Nicoles', she just bought a barbecue and decided to do a sort of family lunch. I was really good. There was Lyn, Teta, Nini, Julien, Georges (Julien's cousin), Khalo and Samia. We ate then at 3, me and Lyn decided to go to Le 17e Salon Du Livre Francophone. It was way too crowded and the books were boring (yup i did just say a warehouse full of thousands of books was boring... Really it was sad...). We then went to Virgin Megastore but didn't end up staying too long.
We had a coffee in Chez Paul in Downtown. Rana, Lyn's friend met us there we talked. It was really nice then we went to a pub called Demo. The Incompetents were gonna play so we sat down and i met more of Lyn's friends. That was the coolest thing about that night. I finally experienced Lyn's social life. I didn't know the people she usually hung out with up until last night. They are very cool people, very funny.
At first the atmosphere was creepy with sort of sound effects of old horror movies. We were really freaked out. But people came in in costumes and the mood got better. The Incompetents played and they were amazing! Then me and Lyn came back home and fell asleep.
Today was mostly at home finishing my homework. I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm going to sleep.
I love you dad...
I miss you enormously
Big kisses
Your samsouma

vendredi 15 octobre 2010

Letter 60

Hi Dad!
How are you? So now I'm back home and thank god for that. There is a problem. For the documentary, I have to be done shooting before Monday and it's almost impossible. I have an exam next week, Loulwa and her sister live too far. Loulwa isn't very excited about this documentary and can't come up to Broumana to finish shooting. There is no time for me to find any other actresses and I'm too tired, I'm not getting any sleep. I have a lot of Homework. The only time i have to film is this weekend and obviously I can't. I need a damn scene with Loulwa and Cola but we can't there is no way. I'm trying to come up with ways to have the scenes separately if I'm not able to I think I'm gonna drop out. But not everything was in vain. I learnt so much and I'm going to thank everyone from the workshop personally for helping and giving their time to help. I've learned so much in a very fun way. Don't get me wrong I'm still going to try to make this thing work... But if i have to re-shoot some footage it's near impossible. Neither do i have time or friend to be able to do this thing again. Zeena has been an angel, i had fun with her. And still i have to admit, It was very fun.
But there is a very childish problem i encountered two days ago and it's still pestering me till today. I don't think i deserve it. I looked at it in many different objective ways and found nothing I did wrong. So as I've said two letters ago in my letter, I've changed and I don't care anymore. Yes, I'm not super hyper anymore nor am I over positive or naive, I don't smile uselessly either. I've evolved and changed. I don't care anymore and my soul purpose is not to please everyone or anyone but myself. I'm too tired of this chicken-shit and all i want is to be left alone.
Sorry I'm a bit mad but I'll get over it.
I love you Dad!
I miss you enormously.
xx
Symz

Letter 59

Hi Dad!

How are you? I’m not bad. I did promise you a happier letter than the last one. So I’ll update you on my life a bit…
So today, after school, Claudia, Loulwa and me, we went to Loulwa’s to film my documentary. What documentary you ask? Well I don’t know if you know about Shankaboot the Lebanese web-drama series, but they organized a Workshop where they teach us how to shoot a small documentary. The first two days were all technique and basics not very fun and the second was a bit how to shoot and use the phone. I told you all this in my previous letter no? Anyway so the week that came after that we devised a scene by scene decomposition where we had to write what you see and hear in each scene. My story was complicated at first but after the Sunday meeting I had with the “teachers” we decided to change a bit the plot and make it less depressing. Now, I’m at Loulwa’s and we’re filming and Zeena, Loulwa’s 8 yrs-old sister is so cute. She was my actress. She was great, giving me ideas and having fun. She was so patient and wasn’t complaining. I really like her… I’ll tell you all about it later. I have to go I’m still at Loulwa’s.
I love you pap.
Many more kisses.

Ps: I'll tell you more later when i get home. Mom's going out so I'll have the house all to my own...
Want to know  a little secret? I secretly sing really loud when I'm alone at home... Shhhh

Your Samsouma

I Love You, Daddy...

lundi 11 octobre 2010

Letter 58

Hi Dad!
How are you? I'm not so good. I'm feeling more and more like an outsider to both myself and the world. It may be because I'm PMSing but sill I feel like utter poop.
Here is an example, it's 4:20, I'm sitting on the floor in front of the front door of the house writing this letter on my iPod. Why? Because mum forgot to leave the key outside. Great no?
I feel kind of alone. First off, mum and I are alone at home. We have no maid, not that I'm complaining. But worst of all is Lyne. I miss her enormously. She's in Boston. So there aren't enough souls to converse with much... Seeing me and mum have different likes and dislikes it's getting much harder to get her attention. I can't blame her you know... Then there are my friends in school. Everyone changes, it's life. What can we do? I feel detached and can't find many things in common with y closest friends. With some it's a competition, others just boredom... That's where I start to doubt myself.
I havn't been in a good mood lately. To be honest, I haven't been my happy self for quite a long time. I'm tired all the time I'm losing patience with everyone too quickly... These are some examples. But it's like I don't eve understand myself anymore. When I'm around people at the beginning it's great but then I want to be alone then when I am it's soothing at first then after some time, I feel too alone. I need affection... Am I worth anyone's time?
I'm definitively PMSing... I promise next letter will be less depressing.
I miss you pap.
A number cannot represent how many kisses I'm showering you with.
Je t'aime plus que comme ca...

mardi 5 octobre 2010

Letter 57

Hi Dad!
How are you? I miss you. I'm exhausted. I have never in my whole life had a more packed weekend as this one. It's not normal. So let me start from the beginning.
Friday night: School as usual (as of not long ago unfortunately) The three last periods i have spanish and two free periods (cool no?) So my spanish teacher decides that we should watch The Sound Of Music in spanish. You would think i was weird to see Julie Andrews would look weird speaking spanish but no. As crazy as it may seem the dubbing is great. All the songs are in spanish and they're very well made. After half of sound of music the next two periods we were to watch a movie about Nelson Mandala. I would tell you it's title but i don't remember... And no i can't look it up on IMDB because we don't have internet. AGAIN. But i know that Denzel Washington plays Mandala
It's become a nuisance the DSL. One minute it works the next Bbrrrtttt NO MORE INTERNET!
Back to Friday... After school i went to Loulwa's house and stayed there with Nour & Marie (the Khater Twins, remember them?) We talked a lot about interesting stuff like saving humanity and trips to Africa. I'm not kidding. Then at around 7-ish we left and walked to The Shop that Loulwa owns. It's such a nice place really and it serves the best brownies ever created on this planet. Ok moving on or else I'll keep on going with the richness of the Beydoun Brownies (BB haha!)
Oh right i forgot you don't know the BB craze!! Let me fill you in. It's the worst creation ever created. Which can be proven with the fact that it's banned in certain countries like Dubai and Saudi Arabia. So the point of this new "application" on the blackberry is that if you pay 40$ a month you can send unlimited messages to other BBM (a.k.a blackberry Messenger) users for free. Yes  you heard me correctly. Add 600$ phone + unlimited chatting - augmenting cost + snobby teenagers = No more life. I swear in class you don't need to tear papers and write notes and fling them to your friends you do it directly by BBM. Need to say something to the person sitting to seats to you right during a movie no need to whisper just text it! And imagine the same solution everywhere in any situation. Imagine you're talking to a person and their phone vibrates bzzzz bye-bye real conversation. All kind of physical interaction with society is slowly deteriorating and disappearing. It's the ugly truth about the blackberry.
Sorry, back to friday night. At 7, and hour and a half early to the surprise birthday dinner we walk around downtown  talk some more, go to virgin and have a laugh. We go back to the restaurant. And then Coky the two week early birthday girl comes and gets surprised by all of us and the rest is cliche. I come back home by taxi.
Next is Saturday the longest day of all: I wake up at 8am. Get dressed and mum drops me off at Battouta Film  Studios where i start the first day of the two week long workshop. The whole think is about learning how to make a 3-4 minute video/documentary. It was very informative and fun. It ended at around 5:50 PM. I go to Loulwa's where i meet Maylis and we go to Loulwa's exhibition. There was a contest in partnership with Lomography and two of Loulwa's pictures got accepted. It was super fun. It was on the rooftop of the old sugar refinery on the seaside road behind Gean. There was massive wind so i felt like Marlin Monroe. My skirt was everywhere! Haha. There was a man dressed as a pixie and he was throwing glitter in the air. You know the fine glitter that sticks to your skin and never comes off? Yeah in blue. So here we all were glittered and covered from head to toe. I HATE GLITTER. Anywhoo next we left at aaround 8:30 mum picked us up and dropped us off at a girl from my school's house she was celebrating her birthday. It sucked. The music was rubbish, the atmosphere was ew, no one was dancing... On top of all that i was in a bad mood to begin with. I really get tired sometimes when i always have to be the responsible one... I slept though the whole taxi ride back and went to sleep as soon as i finished putting on my PJs.
The Next day was Day 2 of workshop where we learned how to use the phone that was given to us. The new Nokia N8 i think. A really cool  device with a 12 MegaPixel camera etc... We shot a short scene. Man it took us over half an hour to film a ultra-short scene. We had about 3 minutes of footage to end up with a 10 second video. The day dragged on then i walked from Geitawi to ABC ashrafiyeh to meet up with Mum and Nicole. They were having dinner i bought three books and we came back home.
Wow this letter was long. I'm sorry i should have written sooner. I didn't know i had so much to say.
I'll write sooner promise.
I miss you immensely.
I kiss you so much.
And squeeze you hard
I Love you daddy.
xxx

mercredi 8 septembre 2010

Letter 56

Hi Dad!
How are you? My summer has just begun. Well for the next 6 days... I've finished my summer work for school and so basically... I'M FREE!
Today Arlo and Kika are flying back to Muscat. And the house, for the second time this summer is rendered lifeless.... Almost.
And with that I stay alone at home for the second day in a row. Why is that? You ask... Because I am too tired of being in a negative environment. Take last night for instance. The family came back home at around 11:45 PM. I was alone all day and got a bit paranoid at some point when the light faded to dark i thought I could hear someone (or something) chewing on some bones on the balcony (i was sitting on the floor in the salon as usual). And knowing my childhood fear of dark creatures lurking in the shadows i did not dare look out. I presumed is there was in fact some bone munching 4 meters away, i should let the beast finish his meaty feast and not bother him with some ear-splitting screams.
 Back to previous matters, the family came home with some, at first, interesting gossip. Turns out the supposedly amusing news was around the topic I hate the most. The famous and mysterious sister rivalry between my dear aunts (and i think uncle too). In the past, let's say two years, there has been a weird fall out between mom and her sister that then grew and grew and grew. Since it broke out, there has been a lot of talks between the cousins, aunts and uncles. At first i was shocked at the situation, then at my own naivety for not noticing anything earlier then came sadness, anger and then I simply lost interest. Not because I got bored at the drama that normal families would seek in Gossip Girl, but because every time i listened the same things were said, the same arguments were presented and each time it ended with an open end and anger for both the speaker and the listener. I thought at first that they would talk for a bit then change the subject. But they went on and on about the same damn thing. The worst is that what fist started as rivalry between two sisters it transformed into arguments between aunts and niece. When the true culprits we're not in a 20 Km radius. The person itself wasn't in the same room let alone the same area.
Well i did as i do every time the subject lingers, i picked up my stuff and left. I ended up watching a movie and falling asleep at around 3:30 am. It's ridiculous. 
So anyway, everyone went to Nicole to have lunch. I bailed. I still feel a little unstable and I'm not ready to face Nicole. I love my aunt with all my heart, don't get me wrong but i can't expose myself to so much pessimism and negative energy. I can't... I just can't... I love her but now i can't handle her. I love her with all my heart it's just hard right now. But I love her so much and i have fun with her and she's great... i just need to regain fully my patience. After this summer i need to find my old optimistic self. It sort of ran out at some point. But all is in the past now.
I have two new developments:
1- I'm the lead singer of a band. Although from my point of view it's not quite official, I went to a friend's house, i did my audition and got accepted. Although Coldplay is not my choice of playlist but it's what they want to play. So |'m going along with that. Why is it unofficial? Because i have yet to meet the other band members. I know just the guitarist the rest i never met them. Next week we'll have our fist official band practice. Fun no?
2- I got a second tattoo. Don't freak! It's tiny About 1cm big! On my left ankle a tiny tiny mustache. It's really small. I love it. Haha...
I love you Nino...
I miss you like no other
xxx

mardi 31 août 2010

Letter 55

Hi Dad!
How are you? I miss you. I've been in a bad mood lately. That's why I haven't written. I'm sorry.
This week has been all study. I need to finish my summer homework before the 4th. In math Jad helped me and we finished it surprisingly quick. But french, that's the problem. I think i need to be in the total mood of study and Victor Hugo, Baudelaire, Verlaine and all of their friends. But I'm moving forward so that's good.
I just woke up 3 minutes ago. It's so weird I sleep without feeling like I slept at all. I wake up late and all sore. But these past few days I've been going to sleep at around 2 am - 3 am and sometimes even later. I don't know why. I just can't sleep earlier. I hate this! I miss my morning! But that's not a major problem.
The one thing that's actually on my mind now is the fact that i have 2 more years of school and I'm gone. I'm off. What's even worse? I have school in 2 weeks. 1ere. 11th grade. Fudge! (I've found ways to swear without actually swearing ;D). Dad in one year and 5 months I'm legal. AND driving. Isn't that a bit scary?
Later in I want to work in something that involves a lot of art. So i opted for Advertising or Graphic Design. Imagine. Comics, sketches, 3D graphics, drawing, cinema, sculpting, painting, crafting, etching, CREATING!  There are so many things i want to try out.
This year I've been expanding my creative side. I've been drawing a lot more and I've been taking on many projects like sculpture and beading and painting, dying. I have a lot of ideas for t-shirts. We have a sewing machine and mom is going to fix it for me and teach me who to use it. Imagine the possibilities! I want to do so many things and I'm so excited. It's an incredible feeling when I'm crafting. I love the scissors, glue, needle, metallic string. IT'S AMAZING!
I have to go back to my french homework.
I love you so much
I miss you more than ever and thinking about you so much
Kisses and Hugs (the one when you used to arrive from Jeddah at night and i was awake THAT hug.)
Your samsouma.

lundi 16 août 2010

Letter 54

Hello Dad!
How are you? I'm good. I'm glad that Faraya is over.
First, there are so many people I just didn't want to see. And in the Jardin de Mza'art there is absolutely no way to avoid them.
Next, the music there is on replay so the one you kind of liked you hate them now. And the first day they played classical music. I have no problem with classical music but Opera? And Latin? Why?
Then there is the whole coming up and going back down that's a problem. I normally don't mind riding in a car but the way is about a 50 minutes drive from the house. It's tiring. Plus we never arrived early or on time. We were always 30 minutes late minimum. But the relief is that there is Dana Adada that shared the stand with mom so it was nice and crowded.
Did we sell well? No we didn't. But everyone was complaining not just us. So i think that was consoling. Dana made a doll all in mosaic. It looked amazing. L'Orient came asked her a few questions and snapped a few pictures. The next day in the news paper they printed an article with many artists appearing in there and in between there is Dana and the picture of her doll. A woman called and bought the doll for 2400$. She lives in Marseilles. Amazing no?
I'm not emotionally comfortable  in Faraya. I don't know why each time i arrived in Faraya i felt sad or tired. It's like when I'm in Paris. It's just not my element.
What's even more choking, it's how the people my age and younger look all the same. The same clothes (short t-shirts, short shorts and gladiator shoes, sandals Ben Simon or converse). The same phone.. Wait for it... *drum roll*.... BlackBerry! and yes it's very normal for a 6 yrs-old to carry one with a cover the same color as her t-shirt. Oh even better i've never seen so many channel and Louis Vuiton bags on such a young crowd... The funny thing is that those bags are initially school bags. YES! For books and pens and food! I still use my 5 yrs old East-Pack. The same glasses, the same manners... They have so many common point that in the end they all look the same even the face and voice and everything else. It's discusting because so many times i passe a group of copy-paste girls and someone gets mad at me and scream "mat salmeh" (don't say hello) as if i was snobbing them. The truth id guys you all look the SAME! How am I to pick the needle out of the hay stack?! Another funny thing is that this doesn't apply only to girls. The guys too have a dress code. You HAVE TO WEAR Ralph Lauren but only the one with the big logo! And you HAVE TO wear Yokidoki. Or else you're skewered (haha get it? skewered?)
And the worst thing is that they judge you if you're not a twin.
So all in all, you're not missing much. But i would have been nice to have you there or anyone of the family. They all ditched us before Faraya...
I Love you Dad!
I miss you so much
Kisses
xx

samedi 31 juillet 2010

"The Shameless", a photography exhibition by Rasha Kahil

Letter 53

Hi Dad!
How are you? I hope you don't get too bored where ever you are. My summer's going much better. The Karams moved back home. I started a diet. I saved the world, Literally. Rasha's exposition went great! I'm back into my music. And I'm going forward in my spanish e-mail. Sorry i haven't written in a while...
Okay i'll start one by one.
So I told you about the fast that early this summer the Karams decided to open the Adma house and stay there. But they came back so it's so much better.
I started a diet and it was about time. Because I've never been this fat in my entire life. It's ugly fat. So yeah.. I need to lose a lot of weight . Yella one step at a time.
So the day before yesterday was Rasha's solo exposition. In Zico House. It's called The shameless. It's around 80 pictures she took in the past 2 years. It was amazing. People started coming at 6:30 on the opening day. And wen we left at around 10 there was still people in there. And she sold 7 prints that day. I was so glad that my friends came. Loulwa was there so was Carla and Zalfa. They're friends from school. Vladimir and Tanios came too. I met them for the first time at the expo. Vlad is Loulwa's piano teacher and Tanios is his boyfriend. Yup you heard right. But they're really fun to hang out with. They're really cool people. And today she had a live interview with Mtv (the lebanese channel) She was so beautiful and her arabic was really great. She did add in some english and french but it was a great success.
What else...?
So i mentioned about a certain email i had to write in spanish and me going forward in it. What i meant was that my mean spanish teacher gave us as homework a stack of papers containing grammar exercises, texts and questions and writing topics. But that's not all! There's a book we have to read with questions on that too! But that's not all! We have two email to send her. At the end of each month (july and august) of 8 pages in word. And size 12 font. She's mad! Crazy, Crazy! So i arrived at page 3 of my first email (obviously). I do not like that teacher at all. And the feeling's mutual. It's a long story I'll tell you about it some other time.
I love you so much pap
I miss you so bad
Kisses
xx

vendredi 30 juillet 2010

Letter 52

Hi Dad!
How are you? I miss you. We had lunch at Mounir's. The Karams (Karim, Jad, Kika, Marianne and Arlo) And Mum, Had and me. Everything went great. But then something hit me. I felt something was missing. You...
I miss you especially at these occasions.
Love you Daddy..

samedi 10 juillet 2010

Letter 51

Hi Dad!
How are you? I'm so sorry i haven't written in a long time. I don't really know why. I think a lot has been going on that i just didn't know exactly where to start from. So I'll try not to miss any details. I'll start by: SUMMER'S HERE!
So i finished my SAT courses even though it's early for me. But what have i got to lose?
As for my grades i'll be getting them in a few days. But i'm glad i got accepted in literature. So that's about it concerning school.
Next comes family. Everyone's here. Except Karim, his wife Rita, Jad's wife Dima (it's so weird the fact that they're married) Simon, and khalo's family. So there's been a new development. The Karams are occupying Adma house. And it's one of the WORST ideas ever. We aren't seeing them as much as we should. What's worse is that they took Lyn with them. Which is the worse thing anyone can do. I miss her so much. The house is just not the same without her.
What's next? Oh Jad's "wedding" or dinner or what ever you want to call it. Everyone is excited. Cynthia is just so cute when she starts to talk about the whole family reserving the hairdressers and manicurist. And the clothes and the shoes and suits. It's the funniest thing. But there is a negative side to it. I see Arlo is exhausted. The decisions she had -and has- to make are ridiculous. stuff like. How many flowers, where, how far apart, how many centimeters, in sets of 2, 4, 8 or 12? Or at what time the guests should be seated, when to start the music, when everyone should have their glasses in their hand for the toast. Giving examples is exhausting, try having to actually have the decision to make. it's too much. So everyone's tense.
Hmmm... Lets move on. I'm really having a blast this summer. I don't know if i told you about the group of friends i've met last summer? At rancho? Well this year we went there again. But it was a massive failure. Although i had fun every second of it. We were about 26 there. Camping in tents. Walking. Heat. Sun. And football. It was cool. Why was it a failure? Because the staff changed the formula and decided that if we were to eat there that we had to pay 30$ per head and per meal. We weren't allowed to order or bring food in the ranch. So we decided to split.
I think that's about it for now. But i promice to keep you more up to date and write more often.
You cannot understand how much i miss you.
I love you so much.
Your Symz

vendredi 2 juillet 2010

Letter 50

Hi Dad!
How are you? I'm having mood swings so i'm sad now but don't worry i'll be laughing my butt off in a second.
So let me tell you about my day. Everything went great. I woke up at 6 thirty and went to school finished my SAT courses so that's great. Then came back home. Stayed with everyone on the balcony we sang and danced an d laughed a lot. We then went down Hadi, Marianne, Lyne, Kika and me to ABC ashrafiyeh to watch the match Netherlands/Brezil (brezil lost :( ). We had so much fun. We walked around and bought tickets to the Mashrou' Leila concert that i'm really excited. Then we came back home. Now the last like 45 minutes (an hour maybe... i'm not time oriented so i'm not sure) my period decide to ruin things for me. I get cramps and a headache. I get moody and i really needed to cry. So i ruined to end of the day for the cousins and i feel so bad for that. But i'm glad it happened now not tomorrow.
I'm going camping with a group  of approx. 18 friends to El Rancho for three days and 2 nights. We're going to sleep in tents and sleeping bags. They got their guitars so that's going to be amazing. There is the bull-riding machine (i think), paint-ball, archery, horse back riding etc... So I really can't wait. I love the group i'm going with. They're so fun. They're so much different from the people in my school and i'm great-full.
I have to go sleep i'm exhauseted so i tell you i love you
I miss you too much
And Dad you're the one thing that i miss in my life...
Your Sasouma
xxx

samedi 12 juin 2010

letter 49

Hi Dad!
How are you? I'm fine. I'm mostly ticked off because of mom.
For a long time now I'm just uninteresting. She doesn't listen to me. Weather I'm telling her a joke or telling her who called in her absence. I have to call her name at least 5 times for her to hear me (and that's when she's not busy with something). Or i have to repeat myself twice or three times for her to actually listen. Sometimes while I'm talking to her and she's kinda listening she turns and goes off i don't know where or starts a conversation with someone. When I talked to her about it she confessed that it was true but she told me that she has a lot on her mind and that every time she's with her friends she has to fake a smile and seem interested in what they're saying and that when she's with me she feels like she doesn't have to force herself. Really i understand. Sometimes I'm like that. But i don't shut out one person! And not for that long. She could at least give me two minutes of her time to acknowledge me. After a while I started to feel like i was boring and uninteresting. I know |I'm the youngest one in the family and that i haven't got the knowledge to entertain adults. I know we don't share the same interests or tastes. But when she talk to me about Batroun or decoration I force myself to listen. Do you think i like talking about the bulb that's going to be hanging in that specific light in the second bathroom? No but i go with her on it because i know she's excited to finish that house. The worst thing is when she asks my opinion but doesn't wait for my answer. THAT hurts. I'm young but not to that point. I'm able to know is blue is better than red or is that pattern is nice than the other.
I feel like a mosquito.
Now she's giving me the silent treatment. Lunch was pitiful. All you could hear was the clang of knife and fork on the plates and Gia meowing (she's en chaleur).
I'm waiting impatiently for summer to give her an excuse to ignore me.
Anyway,
I love you my daddy
I miss you so so much
Kisses
Symz

jeudi 10 juin 2010

Letter 48

Hi Dad!
How are you? I'm managing. I have my exams now so I'm studying most of the time or else everything is  not bad. I haven't been sleeping very well these past few weeks but it's okay. I'm having weird dreams that I don't mind much. Actually they're quite interesting. I get to feel and to see my reactions to different situations and I'm learning more and more about myself. I'm not really going to tell you what my dreams are because some of them are quite horrid.
But yesterday night night was the worst. Not because of a dream but because of a damned spider. So i wake up at 2:30 am when i felt something walking across my arm. I open my eyes and the first reaction was to check under my pillows and covers but I found nothing. So I said to myself that I must have dreamt it or something so i decide to go back to sleep. But guess what? that doesn't work. Why you ask? Because I knew that a spider had walked on my arm. So i decided to go sleep next to mum. I end up falling asleep for about an hour. At 5:30 I get out of bed out of boredom and decide to get ready early for school, you know "review a bit" for french before going to school (as if that was gonna happen at 5am) So I head to the bathroom to fix my hair. And what falls out of it? You guessed it! The damned spider. Great thing to experience (for the second time I might add) So all my stress for the next exam was replaced by hysteria and fear. And that was my morning.
If you're wondering about how i did my exam, well i did okay, you can't say for sure when i comes to french. When you feel like you flunked it, it turns out you get the highest grade of the whole year (and vice versa in that matter). But or else i got pretty much like everyone else so that's a good sign.
I miss you too much i even hurts.
I think about you everyday.
Love you mon papi adoré!

mardi 8 juin 2010

mardi 25 mai 2010

Letter 47

Hi Dad!
How are you? I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately... I've been busy with my own thoughts. But everything is just fine. Really. I feel good. Today I enjoyed being alone at home. I really like it sometimes, being alone, not caring about anything and just doing what i felt like. But i had some school stuff to do. Like my french essay took some time. The plan for it took 5 pages and thank god that we didn't have to write the whole thing. It would have taken ages to finish.
I realized something two days ago. I don't think it's a very good thing, but I don't really enjoy the company of people my own age (but don't take me wrong there are a few exceptions to this). But really I dread hanging out with some of the people in my grade. All my friends are somewhat older than me. I think it's because of me being the youngest. I've always been circled with older people that always taught me stuff and talked to me about more grown up topics. I got used to it hence me being bored around people with less mature conversations and interest. But I do feel sometimes like all I do is learn and never be the one spreading information. I've always been the one listening never the one listened to. I may be generalizing a lot and exaggerating. But what can I do? it's just a feeling i have. Don't get me wrong i love learning new stuff from the family and all. Really I'm really grateful for it. And i wouldn't want it any other way.
Love you dad!
I miss you a ton.
Kisses from your Sasouma

samedi 15 mai 2010

Memory

You remember all the times you played music in the salon? I was too young to appreciate the value of your choice of music. Now i listen back to the CDs and think "woah! That's called good music". I wish you were here to play that music again.

Letter 46

Hey Dad!
How are you? I'm good. I have a busy weekend. I love it when i feel like I am doing something with my life. Yesterday I organized a dinner at home with some friends. We were 8. We had so much fun. Really. We talked and laughed and listened to music... It was perfect. Just what I needed to relax.
Today Lynno and me decided we were gonna spend the day together. We first went to souk el tayyeb and had orange juice. Then we walked in Saifi Village. We window shopped. I saw in one shop a Lomography camera that looked so cool. I really like these cameras they're so funky. There is one called the fish eyed. The lens is very curved so the picture comes out as if you're looking though that hole in the entrance door to see who is standing outside. But unfortunately in Lebanon it's extremely expensive. It's getting really annoying the prices. It's not normal. For example in america you can find a book for 4$ here the minimum is 8$ (and that's even rare). A simple bracelet is about 50 dollars. Why? Really... But what can you do?
Tonight it's the opening of my friend's dad's pub for people our age. So there are two bands playing and everyone is going and i can't wait.
Tomorrow i have to wake up at 6 (again) because i have to be at 7 in tayyouneh to go to chaka clean a beach and a forest. It's a project from school like community service. But we have to document the outing. So we decided that we were gonna make a video report. We're gonna interview the people that are going to be there. It's the AFDC that are organizing the whole thing. Apparently there is a group of scouts that are going to be there and people are going to do speeches. So i think it's going to be quite fun (Apart from the waking up at 6 bit).
I love you daddy
I miss the heck out of your keresh
Kisses from your youngest daughter.

lundi 10 mai 2010

Letter 45

Hey Dad!
How are you? I just got back from Syria. I'm exhausted. But it was nice to visit again. Mum and me went with Myriam, Nour and Malek together. All of us in the same car. Really mom and Malek were sitting in front next to the driver. Myriam, Nour and me in the back. Oh i forgot to mention we were in a small car. But it was quite quick. Before arriving to the border, we stopped at a restaurant to have breakfast seeing we woke up at 6 and left at 7. And before leaving we checked the toilets. And you can't imagine how discusting it was. Poop everywhere. A chinese man while going out of the stall he flushed and it overflowed and shit was everywhere. It was horrible. Worse than a horror movie. So we left. We arrived in Syria and the taxicab dropped of off in the middle of the square and left. We barely arrived and we were already lost. We walked around asking people were the hotel was and each person we asked they gave us different directions. Like Tweedledee and Tweedledum from Alice in wonderland. We finally arrived there and discovered the Angelina Jolie and Bratt Pitt went to that same hotel the Shumans were staying at. Mum and me were scheduled to sleep at the house. We then met up with Minou at her hotel we drank a coffee and then hop we started walking. In my entire life i have NEVER walked so much. And even the most comfortable shoes (in this case Converse and Birkenstock) gave us all blisters. But it was nice to see the old souk and all the kind of kiosks. It was really nice. By the end of the day we were exhausted. Mum and me decided that we were going to sleep in Minou's hotel room. Her single's room to be more precise.
The second day we woke up in hysterics. In the hotel room there was two beds stuck together. Minou slept in one, Mom in the other and me? In the middle. I woke up i couldn't move my butt. Mom took one glance at me and she burst out laughing. Minou then woke up and had the exact same reaction. Why? I was stuck in between the two beds and my side was touching the floor. But what's really surprising was that i was extremely comfortable. The rest of the matinee was all formalities and walking from one office to the other. I would tell you exactly where we when to do what but i have absolutely not a single idea. Then when we finished at around 1 thirty we met up with the Shumans. We had lunch at Mona Lisa. Your grandparent's home. It was nice. A lot of the time I thought of you. You would have loved being with us. So the main reason we went there was for the damned formalities that didn't finish on Sunday (we left Broumana Saturday were supposed to be back the day the followed) so mum and me stayed until Monday. But ironically up nothing is done. But what ever.
I love you
Kisses
I miss you extremely

lundi 26 avril 2010

Letter 44

Hi Dad!
How are you? I feel like I'm a mist. A mute one at that. I feel like anything i say is irrelevant or stupid. I feel like what i say doesn't matter. I don't know how many people today just ignored and some times stopped me short in the middle of my sentence to say something random or even change the subject. Teb have the curtsy to at least let me finish these two last words then do whatever you want. I'm sick and tired to always be the one listening. Will some one listen to me? Just for a change. Really, i promise i don't say anything too boring or uninteresting. I'll try not to be stupid or lame. But just hear me out for a moment.
I feel stupid. Really i do dad. I can't help it. It's that feeling again thew one you can't chase away.
I love you my daddy
I miss you more everyday
A million kisses

samedi 24 avril 2010

Thank you for listening to me. I feel your presence and your love. I really do.

Letter 43

Hi Dad!
How are you? I can't take it anymore. Everyone's obsessing about their weight. Really it's not about health anymore, and it's getting on my nerves. That's how young people start to be paranoid and start to be anorexic or bulimic. There are girls that are thin as paper that want to go on a diet. Now what triggers the thought of being overweight? The omnipresence of the friggen subject on everyone's lips! Really. One day, the same day, TWO teachers, two DIFFERENT teachers comes to class and talked about weight, diet, fat foods, our body, our muscles, and all that crap bullshit.
I can point out to you, which teacher stapled her stomach, which one did a gastric bypass (ou un anneau autour de l'estomac pour reduir sa taille). It's everywhere and it's not healthy to hear about it 24/7. I really can't take it anymore.
I know people that tell me to loose weight do it for my own good. But they should know that constantly hearing about it does nothing but depress me more and make me more uncomfortable in my own body and more self-conscious than i already am. I sometimes feel disgusted with myself and make me feel horrible. It's not like i don't know it. It's not like i'm lying to myself every time i look in the mirror. I KNOW it. Just stop. Stop looking at me. Leave me alone. I'm guilty enough as it is. No need to add to that pressure.
I love you and miss you so
Your Symz

vendredi 23 avril 2010

I'm so sorry...

jeudi 22 avril 2010

Letter 42

Hi Dad!
How are you? I miss you! How's everything going where ever you are? I hope everything is well, and that you're happy.
Yesterday, mum and me went to Rasha's exposition. It was really nice. Some people's art is just breathtaking. For example Emi Miyashita is just unbelievable. She hung 4 drawings -i think- pencil on paper and hung next to each one a magnifying glass (really funky ones). You look though it and see the tiniest details. What i really can't wrap around my head is the fact that it's all pencil.
Rasha's photography is amazing. Really. i don't really know what to say. It's just like... I admire her so much. I really hope i turn out as talented as her.
I have to go study...
I love you my dearest daddy.
No one misses you as much as i do...
Kisses

mardi 13 avril 2010

Update







I thought maybe you'd like an update on Batroun House. Here are some pictures...

A memorie

Do you remember when you used to be in Lebanon we used to fight over who sits where on the kitchen table? I miss that...

lundi 12 avril 2010

A moment to remember.


I miss this so much.

Letter 41

Hi Dad!
How are you? I’m exhausted. My Easter vacation was extended till tomorrow. So today is my last day of vacation. Do you know why they let me and 5 other friends miss school? Because of MUN. You remember I told you about it? The Model United Nations? Well this whole weekend was the final conference and it was so tiring. So we were divided into our comities I was in HRC (Human Rights Council) and we had religious intolerance as a topic we had to debate and discuss about. You see my luck? The worst. And I represented Djibouti (an Islamic country in the horn of Africa). So the topic I get is only subject I really despise. And it’s not like anyone is going to be WITH religious intolerance. So there wasn’t really a debate. But it was a good experience.
The first day I was seated next to a friend (he represented Finland and we were seated alphabetically) so it wasn’t that bad. But it was a LONG day. We all went to LAU in JBEIL. So I had to wake up at 6 leave at 6:30 be at school at 7, to arrive to LAU at 8. Not the best way you want to wake up on a weekend. So as unorganized Lebanese people are there was a problem with the classes so wee ended up starting at 10. From 12 to 1 was our lunch brake than from 1 to 4 we were back in class. then there was the global village but we didn’t assist we all wanted to go back home. The next day was practically the same. But we started at 9:30. But instead of the global village we had to go to UNESCO to get out certificate and awards. That lasted 2 long hours but I was between friends so it wasn’t that bad.
You know what was quite funny? The difference between our school and my friends’ school. They had an adviser and two teachers assist them from the very beginning. My school, the student adviser actually asked us: what Is MUN? And we were alone since day one. We had to register on our own and keep in contact with the bus while keeping track were was everyone and making sure we didn’t forget anyone behind and all. The MUN advisers and secretaries were quite surprised when we told them we needed help seeing we didn’t have an adviser of our own. The teachers from the other schools made sure every student did their work and kept encouraging them. We felt we just had to be there and we really weren’t serious during the whole thing. But it’s over and we are all glad.
I send you my love and kisses
Your daughter that misses you deeply

Letter 40

Hi Dad!
How are you? I feel used. But I'm not sure. Woah that sounds so pathetic. See I went out once, a few days ago with two of my friends. At some point during the night these two got a bit more than friendly and left me sitting there on my own. So I just brushed it off and walked around a bit and not too far. And a bit turned out to be longer than I expected. The whole night, to be more precise. But the idiot that I am I shut up and thought nothing of it. What was I supposed to do? I knew that they had a thing for each other for a while. Two days ago, we decided to go out again. The three of us. Everything was going fine seeing that I asked them to control themselves and to acknowledge my presence. But as the night dragged on everything went down hill again. And I was left alone. Again feeling like the third wheel. And just like the last time, I walked around the neighborhood and visited a bit farther. I looked at my watch and it turns out that I've been gone for more than 45 minutes. But guess what my friends don't really care that I wasn't present or anywhere to be found. They just went on with their business. 45 minutes. 45 goddamned minutes. And not one missed call or message. Well maybe that was a bit hard seeing that their phones weren't there (the guardian of the next building took both their phones thinking someone lost them. But he is great because when they realized that the music wasn't playing any more and panicked, he came up to them holding both phones and gave them back) they both looked at me and though I took the phones. What's worse is that they didn't even think of asking me where I've been for these 45 minutes. Really what was I doing there? was I supposed to keep watch on their stuff while they made out? Really?!?!?! What am I really to them? Am I being used? I really feel like I am. I am so lost. And mad. That was two days ago. And guess what? They didn’t call me to apologize. They knew how pissed off I was. And I still am. I actually sat with one of them in the taxi alone. Wasn’t that a good time to discuss what happened that night? I still can’t believe it. But what did I expect? I know her and she doesn’t care about anyone but herself.
And I miss you so much
Kisses
Your daughter that loves you

mercredi 7 avril 2010

Letter 39

Hi Dad!
How are you? Why am i so freaked about mom's new addiction. Why can't i get used to the fact that she's a smoker again. Maybe not the usual Marlboro light kind but the hookah. She just bought a new one yesterday and I'm really worried about her health. Why did she stop smoking in the first place? Because she thought she might have something in her lungs. That scared her so she stopped. What if that black shadow on the X-ray once nothing becomes fatal? I'm scared. I shouldn't be this concerned and all but some days she smokes two a day. And for a long period of time. I've tried the cigarette again a few days ago. It didn't bother me like it once did. But i didn't really find the taste pleasant. But i don't think i'll turn out to be a smoker. Everyone that is one told me how destructive it could be. I've seen it with my own eyes. The depression people pass though to stop. I don't want to be dependent on a drug of any source. But still my curiosity does get the best part of me some times.
I miss you so much
Kisses and Hugs
I love you my daddy

mardi 6 avril 2010

Two loving smiles

Letter 38

Hi Dad!
How are you? I'm doing good. I'm on vacation. Easter. But it doesn't really feel like it. I miss the family. And you. I really miss you during festive season. You were the one that cracked all the jokes and lifted anyone's mood. And you know what we don't do anymore? We never video tape. I miss that. And the fact that you never forget to mention the date in the beginning. Heh, I miss that
I've been going out a lot lately. I really like the friends i've made recently. They're the best. They're so fun to be around. It's such a big contrast with the people i technically live with at school. I like that. I like change. I live for it. I think it's cause i get bored very quickly. That's actually bad. I like t think that we live once and that i should try different things out. I have in mind to cut my hair. It's so long now its a pain in the ass. Actually it arrives till there. Almost. and it's getting harder to brush. Okay why am i talking about my hair?
How are you? am i ever going to get an answer? Or should i just answer with what i want to hear? It's really frustrating you know. The fact that we don't know were you are, or what you are. Are you there? I can feel you there. But what are you? A ghost? or gost as my english teacher would say. Or are you a flickering light? A fire that will never burn out? A memory...
I love you my dearest daddy.
I miss you more than ever.
Kisses from your youngest daughter.

lundi 29 mars 2010

Letter 37

Hi Dad!
How are you? I've been complaining a lot lately. I know and I'm extremely sorry about that. I tend to exaggerate, my life is really going well. I'm more focused on my creative side. I'm very interested in arts. Manly street artists. They don't abide to rules. And I'm more and more aware of the fashion around me. But i mostly like to create my own style. I'm getting so many ideas i want to do. Mostly crafts lately. I'm working on a series of sculptures, statues or whatever you wanna call them. And now I'm really into cool, vintage kind of retro rings and armored kind one. Why am i talking about this to you? You're a guy. I love you i have exams tomorrow so i'll write soon i promise.

jeudi 25 mars 2010

I love you

Letter 36

Hi Dad!
How are you? I’m pissed off and hurt. A really close friend of mine doesn’t even notice how much she hurts me. Many times she has. And every time I stood there, giving her excuses and swallowing my pain. But I can’t anymore and I have to tell her. But the thing is I don’t want to loose her as a friend. But when she takes credit for my ideas and doesn’t have the decency to mention my name when people come and tell her how amazing it is. When she actually asked me to draw for her a sample and then we both talked about ideas how we could do it. With colors splashes and paint, something we would do together she goes and do it alone, then posts it online without anything that indicates that I contributed, no I actually did a whole lot more than contribute. Or something even worse, I wrote a song. I created the beat all she did was put some dumb piano chords and she has the right to call it OUR song? What the hell did she do for it to be HER song? And I’m dumb enough to let her! Am I wrong? Should I just let it go?

A bit more that I couple of thousands kisses

I miss you

Your daughter that loves you, Dad

vendredi 19 mars 2010

My tattoo


Okay i look horrible in the picture all red and blochy. But lets ignore my face and focus on my tattoo (-. .. -. ---) cool no? i hope you like it.

PS: I'm sorry i didn't post it earlier. It must have slipped my mind.

Letter 35

Hi Dad!
How are you? I'm doing much better. I have an amazing set of friends. They are great. We go though everything together. But lately everyone is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. There is a lot of tears shed everyday. But we're all in this together. I'm have my exams next week and i intend to do great. But i need the vacation. Everyone needs it. I'm gonna make it through. If other people can why can't I? right? Why am i so stressed about my future? I'm gonna be great at whatever i choose. I'm sure of it. Or that's what i really hope. It's a good thing i have a family at my sides to help me steer my life in the right direction and help me take my decisions. Okay let's change the subject. I'm gone thinking of this matter for today.
You know what happened today? At noon mom received a bouquet of flowers for mothers day. But the funny part is the sender. You will never believe who it was. Supermarko. But the sad part about that was that it reminded me of you when you used to send us flowers at every occasion. I really miss that. I still hope sometimes the phone would ring at 8pm and it would be you asking about our day. I loved these habits.
That reminds me. Your music is the best. Now that I've grown a bit, and took a dislike to commercial music, I start to realize what the real definition of music is. The beatles, pink floyd, beegees, paul simon and many others. You have the wickedest CD collection. I hope i will be the one having it in my future home. Although i still wonder about the order in which you arranged them. You seemed to know exactly the place of every album. It was amazing.
I love you my daddy
I miss you so much it hurts
a thousand kisses for you
Symzette

jeudi 11 mars 2010

Letter 34

Hi Dad!
How are you? I'm so tired. I can't sleep. And if i ever do manage to fall asleep i have disturbing dreams and nightmares. i wake up at least twice a night. I feel like a zombie. My body is all hyped up on vitamins, orange juice and nescafe but my mind is so numb that i still feel the drowsiness as if there is a cloud of smoke in my head. I just want to get away. I wish i could come and visit i miss you a bit too much. I can't handle it anymore. And the worst thing is that it's physically impossible for me to cry lately. It hurts, my tears aren't full and they're sticky and i really need to cry right now. I feel this pressure in my hole body and this weight that i can't hold any longer. I'm so tired. I feel like I'm being torn slowly apart limb by limb. I can't escape it. Not even when i listen to music, draw or paint. I created two great sculptures but still these feelings cling to me like glue. I want to escape. What do i do?
Love
Kisses
Your lost daughter that misses you so much.

mercredi 24 février 2010

Letter 33

Hi dad!
How are you? I finally did the tattoo! It look AMAZING! I am in love with it! It's one of the coolest things i have ever done. Seriously. I swear people, especially the ones that care about you, tend to over-exaggerate. I wasn't stressed about having it done at all. But on my way there, everyone referred to the pain before they even ask if i was prepared or exited. So when i arrived there, there was this woman, whose turn was before me wanted to do a four leaf clover. Everything was going fine until, i hear the bizzzz of the needle. Then all i could hear was my heart beating in my ears. That's when i started stressing. Then it got worse when the needle actually came in contact with her foot and the bizzzz died down a bit that's when i started to question myself like, "what the hell am i doing here?!" i could actually feel my blood racing in my veins. So here comes my turn and i lie down, he takes my arm and then the needle inched towards my skin so i grabbed for mom's hand and ended up with her finger. Mom wasn't too happy about the whole thing. She actually couldn't look me in the eye. That was the part that really get me down and start having doubts, If you ask her about it she'll just say that she was "tired". But at least i got a finger right? But later she did tell me that she thought i was nice. That hiped me back up. So as i was saying, about people that cared about you the most and that tend to exaggerate a bit too much, the pain was extremely bearable. It was like a pinch that lasted about two minutes.
Daddy! i love you so so much.
You don't get how much i miss you
I send you a trillion kissed.
Your youngest daughter.

PS: I'll send you a nice picture of the tattoo as soon as it settles.

lundi 22 février 2010

Memory

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon,
you come and go, you come and go.
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams,
red gold and green, red gold and green.
- Culture Club

Letter 32

Hi Dad!
How are you? I’m good, better than yesterday that’s for sure. I think it’s because I talked to Claudia about what has been bothering me lately. I really like her. I feel like I can trust her to keep my secrets and not judge. She’s always honest so that’s nice. I sometimes feel like I’m not a good friend. Some times I find excuses to hang up when I really have nothing to do, find ways to avoid people. Or make it look like I just didn’t see them standing there. Is that bad? I feel bad but just for a little while. Or else I feel relieved sometimes. It’s like I just like them when they’re around. But that’s not true. I’m just having many mood swings and it’s getting quite frustrating. I feel tired all the time too. I just can’t seem to be able to sleep through the night without waking up at least 3 times or having nightmares. There is also something that is getting ridiculous. I’m getting way too scared of insects. For example yesterday, during the night, I woke up feeling like a spider was crawling in my hair, up my leg or on my arm. I didn’t used to be bothered by insects. I don’t know what happened. Anyway I’m getting extremely tired. I think it’s best I go to sleep.
I Miss you so much
A thousand kisses
I love you.

dimanche 21 février 2010

Letter 31

Hi Dad!

How are you? I’m extremely sorry I have disappeared and haven’t written anything for a long time but nothing major happened in these past few days… But now I'll tell you all about what happened.

Last week, Aya came from London and it was great because in the 10 days she spent in Lebanon I had vacation so I saw her a bit more but not as much as I would have preferred. She came for her exhibition. She exposed her video “The Eye” at The Raising Horse gallery. The place is amazing and has some peaces of art that are just marvelous. It’s great how in the bref time that Rasha spent here I actually discovered a lot of great artists. It’s really nice when she comes home.

Last Saturday, which is yesterday, I had my third MUN meeting. Up until now, these meetings haven’t reached my level of expectations. I find them a bit boring but what can I do? it’s an experience worth having but not something that I would do twice. Something else that really disappointed me was the way people spoke. When they explained to up at school about these meetings they said that it’s an opportunity for us to practice speaking the language. But up until now the only thing I practiced was my Arabic. Even the few students of LAU that I met have a weakness in the pronunciation of some words or the formation of a whole phrase. It’s really agonizing. Any way the courses are quite boring.

So there is one thing coming up that I’m quite excited about, well actually two things. Nine days till my 16th Birthday. (Now that I think about it there is actually 3 things worth a countdown) I’m have this dinner/dancing/singing thing with all of my friends at home. I really wish you could be there to celebrate by birthday, filming in the background, give me a hug. Just be there. I really miss you.

The second thing, is that I’m getting my tattoo done on Tuesday. It’s my Christmas/Birthday present. -. .. -. --- , that’s you. Nino. I’ve thought about it for a long time and I think I’m never going to regret it.

Third, it’s your birthday. I'll blow a candle for you. But, you won’t age, will you?

I’ve been depressed for quite a while now. I feel like I’m failing life. That’s I'll never grow to be some one strong. Any way I know you would come to be and tell me that that’s not true that I will become anyone I want to be. And try to explain to me otherwise. But I will look at you and tell you, “ yeah your right. Thanks.” But the feeling will remain. It’s been putting me down so much that now, I’m emotionally constipated. I can’t cry. The tears get stuck on my eyelashes because they’re sticky and they don’t sprint down my cheeks. It hurts but I just can’t. It’s that weird? it’s funny really. it’s been like a month maybe and I NEED TO CRY! but guess what? my body refuses. Am I lacking water? I don’t think so cause I’m peeing like a maniac. Ok you really didn’t need to know that.

So I say goodbye for now, and I promise to write soon.

I miss you extremely

Many many kisses

Your daughter that love you.