2010

Happy New Year Dad...

Letter 26

Hi Dad!
How are you? Can I ask you something? Why do adults especially parents have no respect for teenagers. I know they may think that the teenager goes into that phase where she thinks that all she says is right and all but when I sit and I think it over and don’t over react directly and I confront mom about it she gets mad when all I want is just a simple answer.
So yesterday morning, in the upstairs living room (in Muscat) everyone was waking up. Aya was there so was Kika, Marianne, Teta and me. Mom wakes up in the morning comes up and sits down between us. But she forgets to do her coffee. I don’t remember who she asked to go down and make it for her but Rasha told her to go do it herself (no in a mean way). I was in the middle of a conversation with Kika, I was telling her about something that happened last night and while I was talking I hear mom, Aya and Teta call my name: Syma, Syma, Syma, Syma… So naturally I ignored and hurried on with my story getting more and more annoyed by the second. You know we I’ve always had the bad habit to call a person whenever that person is in the middle of their conversation but recently I’ve been working so hard on that especially with mom because she gets pissed whenever I do that and I always get a lecture afterwards. So I got so pissed that at my last sentence I screamed at mum: “I’m in the middle of a conversation!” and I got up and went to do her fucking coffee. I would have done it with pleasure only if they would have stopped and noticed that the kid of the family could actually hold a conversation with someone without difficulty. And I am seriously not exaggerating.
So I shut up and swallowed my anger. But unfortunately that anger pestered me all day. And it wouldn’t leave me alone. So at night I took mom aside and asked her in a very gentle manner just to apologize to me. And she got mad. She turned her back to me and left. And she left me at the bottom of the stairs.
Why is it so goddamned hard for people to just apologize to people younger that they hurt? Yes I did get hurt. And up until now every time I see her I get mad and I just want to scream! What do I do now? Tomorrow’s New Year and I really want to start it well. But I will not summit to her and I will not apologize to something I have not done.
I’m about to burst out and flat out cry in front of everyone so I will leave you and go on with my business somewhere private.
Love you dad and I will always will
I need you right now…..
I miss you

Letter 25

Hi Dad!
How are you? That's how i always start my letters... Why? I don't know... And i always think and prepare a subject. I gather information and actually see how i can make them fit. Because spontaneous letter have no importance or value. Just like this one. But still the fact that I'm addressing it to you is a way of reliving a lot of bottled emotions. Even if i don't speak about what is bothering me it just helps. Just like reading a book or listening to music. That helps but not as much as you do.. Somethines i wonder if there are some other people that read these letters. But why would anyone want to read about the problems of a teen aged girl. Any way i think i really need to hit the hay because i can barely open my eyes.
Miss you everyday the feeling intensify
I love you eternally my dad
Many kisses and tight hugs.

PS: I have to post a letter i wrote on paper while i was in the plane. Anyway i'll post it tomorrow. Good-Night.

Letter 24

Hey Dad!
How are you? So I'm in Muscat now... it's the 25 so Merry Christmas my daddy! i wish you were here. The mood would have been so much better if you were here. Christmas will never be the same without you... Hadi was singing the way you used to. Do you remember? You used to stress on the wrong syllables. It used to put a smile on everyone's faces. Your presence made everything so much better. I miss you so much. It's always harder when it's festive seasons. I wish you were he to witness how close our family has become. It’s a blessing to be related to such amazing people. The characters are so different one another that a person would wonder how we connect so brilliantly. I would do anything for anyone of them. Family is my first priority. I love them.
But not as much as I love you. (That sounded a bit cheesy)
Miss you Daddy.

Letter 23

Hi Dad!
How are you? I don't know what to write about. I don't like it when i have no ideas. Like for example i have no clue where my life is heading. Yes I'm starting to get paranoid and i would love to have a bulb light over my head or an image of my future. I hate the fact that some decisions i have to make not will affect my hole life. I know that I'm making such a big deal of it but i have this feeling that my life is heading towards a cliff. I am scared that when i actually choose a field that after a short while i end up getting bored. Then what do i do? I know that a student changes his major on average twice in his life. What if i get bored..... Then i'll spend my life in university switching from one major to the other and i'll be known as the undecided ADD girl. Haha that's funny. Okay i think i went too far. I'm sure I'm not gonna turn out like that. I'm being over dramatic. See dad that's what you get when you're a teenaged girl that has her period (with massive cramps and two pimples). Mood swings. I swear boys don't know how luck they are. They've got it so easy. And another thing they haven't experienced is waxing. I swear they should use it as torture on spies they'll cave in and tell you anything once they lay their eyes on the gooey sticky hot brown blob on the fire. I still do not understand why women go through all that amount of pain while they have to endure the spiky kisses that men give. I swear are sensitive skin gets so irritated when we have to greet a non-shaved man. The only place the man has to remove hair from he chooses the easy way out: Razor. Okay i think i should stop blaming men. Don't take anything personally yeah daddy? anyway i'm dreading the day before muscat when i will have to wax....
I feel your absence more and more
Kisses from home
Your daughter that loves you
Xoxo

Letter 22

Hi Dad!
How are you today? Arrghhh... I have my exams! I really am not in the mood daddy! Everyday we have one exam and we finish school at 10. Great day! I spend 45 minutes in the bus heading to school stay there 2 hours and come back up. Couldn't they have put three exams in a day so that we actually have a longer vacation that doesn't start the 22nd? I mean really! Why so we have to start vacation so very late? And for people that actually want to travel for Christmas break? And the funniest thing is that we come back on the 4th! So what we have 10 days of holiday?! That is so unfair. I don';t know why I'm arguing there is nothing i can do. I just feel like arguing about something... Okay now that that's over... Did i tell you i started taking guitar lessons? It's so cool i love it! And i bought myself a camera! With my own money that i have been saving up! It a semi-professional Panasonic/Lumix! I made a deal with mum that if she pitches in on the payment she could say that it's my Christmas gift from her to me. I was completely capable to buy it on my own. But i don't know why we agreed on splitting the price. Anyway i have no regrets i love it. I'm gonna have so much fun with it in Muscat! I wish you could be there to appear in my pictures...
I miss you so much.
Kisses
Your daughter that loves you plus grand que ca.

Picture 9

Letter 21

Hi Dad!
How are you? So the festive season is coming soon. But i don't really feel like celebrating anything this year. The more time passes the more i feel your absence. It's getting more and more unbearable. I still miss your versions the Christmas songs. The way you sang them at the church to embarrass me. Your voice echoing in the big room... Yeah i miss you... Nothing will ever be the same without you.
I feel guilty. I feel like i abandoned Biggie. Really, I wish i insisted a bit more to get him over here. I know it's just a dog and all but still. He was your dog, our dog. He was family. Now i don't even know what happened to him.
I bought a camera. Well we made a deal me and mom. I pay 65% of the price. Because I've been economizing my money to get myself something I would like. So i told mom that if she wanted to pay a bit of the price it could be my Christmas gift so that's what we agreed on. And now i own a marvelous camera. I love it. Even if I bought it less than 24 hours ago. I know what you're thinking. I will be careful with it and keep an eye on it. Anyway now i can actually take good pictures with my own camera.
I have 11 days to go to be on a plane heading to muscat. It's going to be the first time I have ever traveled alone. Personally I think I'm gonna enjoy it. As much a people person i am i so enjoy my time alone. I can actually think and feel free of the feeling that i should entertain my company. But sooner or later I'm going to have to do it. But really i call muscat home. I feel at home over there. The change of atmosphere (I'm not talking weather...) of people, of environment and routines it's refreshing. But it wont be the same without the family there.
I just noticed something i am very family oriented. Everything leads to those people i love so much. It's incredible how people with different interests connect as much as we do. And the age difference doesn't interfere with anything. I like it. I like them. Every single one of them.
So this was a some-what brief update on my current situation.
I don't think anyone loves you more than i do.
Millions of kisses and hugs
Your daughter.

Picture 8

Letter 20

Hi Dad!
How are you? I need to tell you about something very dear to me. Yeah she may live under the same roof as I and she may occupy Had's room. And she also have freakishly scary hair in the morning but i have to tell you how much i treasure her. I cannot repay her to what she has done to me. Without her i thing i would be totally lost. She gives me hope and makes me think strait. She isn't scared of life and she shows me how not to fear it. She helps me cope will every single one of my problems. She knows exactly how to cheer me up in my darkest times. But she also know when need space. She is the one who i can run to we I'm in the deepest of shit (sorry for the bad language). She is unique and wonderful in every way even in her worst hours. Yeah she may be my cousin but to me she is far more than that. She's my best friend, my sister. No I'm not exaggerating. I can trust her to tell me the truth even if it hurts, i can trust her to be keep all my thoughts and secrets safe. I love her so much. And in this letter i am trying to show her to what extent i am grateful to have her in my life. But still it doesn't compare to all the good she has done to me. Thank you my frizzy friend!
So dad i miss you, everyday, more and more....
I love you
Your dearest daughter.

Letter 19

Hi Dad!
How was your day? I need to talk. So this is going to be a long one. I want to talk about ten thousand things. But now i don't know where to start. It's weird. I have so many things i wanna let out. I think because I'm used to listen more than speak when it comes to my friends. But some of the times I get really bothered my the voices that surrounds me. I love listening to peoples' problems and all of the gossip (except when it starts to get critical and mean) but with moderation. People can count on me for being there for them to talk to and i will always try my best to help anyone. But some of the times i just don't want to listen to anyone but them listening to me. That's why i always feel so relieved when i finish writing to you. It helps me cope with my emotional diarrhea. Not only that but it makes me feel closer to you and in a way make me miss you a bit less because i feel like I'm really talking to you and that you're really there. I still don't know how your absence is going to affect further my future life. Seeing the way it already affected so much the life that I'm leading now. I still miss the phone calls at 8 P.M sharp, but since that dreadful day i never heard the phone ring. Or the sound of your voice. I never thought i say this but i miss when you used to talk on the phone in the salon but you weren't technically talking you were screaming. From every corner of the house we could hear your conversation. And the nights when you arrived to Lebanon from Saudi i would wake up long after you we fast asleep and i could here your snoring from my room. That was my cue to come over and squeeze myself between you and mum in the middle of the bed which with time i had outgrown and didn't fit in it anymore without spending the night kicking you both.
But now, all i have left of your snoring is the faint memory, all i have left from you smell is a cold bottle of your perfume and of your music just the CDs left on the shelves. Only you can mix and match the song to form a perfect balance of genres. And our song, Life. Ironic isn't it? Life. A part of this house died when you did. Our family too was left incomplete when they told us the news in from of the ICU while i was fast asleep in my bed after my first day back at school. They did insist i stay at home rather than come down to see what was wrong. While i woke up the next day you never did. But that day my alarm hadn't rang. But oblivious to the dark veil casted on our home i dressed up and headed to the Tv, to find everyone awake. Why was everyone awake at 6 in the morning? Then i noticed the puffed up red eyes of mom, the sober faces on the rest of the people in the room. "Syma, daddy flew up to the sky..." yes that's how they broke it to me that day. I'm grateful for the terms used, the way they phrased the sentence. Nobody could have broken it down to me an easier way. The support i got the next week was amazing although i don't remember much of it now. I don't remember a thing from it. Just a few parts and moments i remember. I remember putting down my posters from my walls, i remember Hadi's friends over, Peto too and i remember when the headmistresses sat me down next to them, that was an awkward moment. But that about sums it up. It was a hard time.
So i leave you now with tons of kisses and hugs
I miss you unbelievably
I love you always and forever
You daughter...

Picture 7

A Memory

Fast Car
- By Tracy C hapman

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way