Letter 33

Hi dad!
How are you? I finally did the tattoo! It look AMAZING! I am in love with it! It's one of the coolest things i have ever done. Seriously. I swear people, especially the ones that care about you, tend to over-exaggerate. I wasn't stressed about having it done at all. But on my way there, everyone referred to the pain before they even ask if i was prepared or exited. So when i arrived there, there was this woman, whose turn was before me wanted to do a four leaf clover. Everything was going fine until, i hear the bizzzz of the needle. Then all i could hear was my heart beating in my ears. That's when i started stressing. Then it got worse when the needle actually came in contact with her foot and the bizzzz died down a bit that's when i started to question myself like, "what the hell am i doing here?!" i could actually feel my blood racing in my veins. So here comes my turn and i lie down, he takes my arm and then the needle inched towards my skin so i grabbed for mom's hand and ended up with her finger. Mom wasn't too happy about the whole thing. She actually couldn't look me in the eye. That was the part that really get me down and start having doubts, If you ask her about it she'll just say that she was "tired". But at least i got a finger right? But later she did tell me that she thought i was nice. That hiped me back up. So as i was saying, about people that cared about you the most and that tend to exaggerate a bit too much, the pain was extremely bearable. It was like a pinch that lasted about two minutes.
Daddy! i love you so so much.
You don't get how much i miss you
I send you a trillion kissed.
Your youngest daughter.

PS: I'll send you a nice picture of the tattoo as soon as it settles.

Memory

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon,
you come and go, you come and go.
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams,
red gold and green, red gold and green.
- Culture Club

Letter 32

Hi Dad!
How are you? I’m good, better than yesterday that’s for sure. I think it’s because I talked to Claudia about what has been bothering me lately. I really like her. I feel like I can trust her to keep my secrets and not judge. She’s always honest so that’s nice. I sometimes feel like I’m not a good friend. Some times I find excuses to hang up when I really have nothing to do, find ways to avoid people. Or make it look like I just didn’t see them standing there. Is that bad? I feel bad but just for a little while. Or else I feel relieved sometimes. It’s like I just like them when they’re around. But that’s not true. I’m just having many mood swings and it’s getting quite frustrating. I feel tired all the time too. I just can’t seem to be able to sleep through the night without waking up at least 3 times or having nightmares. There is also something that is getting ridiculous. I’m getting way too scared of insects. For example yesterday, during the night, I woke up feeling like a spider was crawling in my hair, up my leg or on my arm. I didn’t used to be bothered by insects. I don’t know what happened. Anyway I’m getting extremely tired. I think it’s best I go to sleep.
I Miss you so much
A thousand kisses
I love you.

Letter 31

Hi Dad!

How are you? I’m extremely sorry I have disappeared and haven’t written anything for a long time but nothing major happened in these past few days… But now I'll tell you all about what happened.

Last week, Aya came from London and it was great because in the 10 days she spent in Lebanon I had vacation so I saw her a bit more but not as much as I would have preferred. She came for her exhibition. She exposed her video “The Eye” at The Raising Horse gallery. The place is amazing and has some peaces of art that are just marvelous. It’s great how in the bref time that Rasha spent here I actually discovered a lot of great artists. It’s really nice when she comes home.

Last Saturday, which is yesterday, I had my third MUN meeting. Up until now, these meetings haven’t reached my level of expectations. I find them a bit boring but what can I do? it’s an experience worth having but not something that I would do twice. Something else that really disappointed me was the way people spoke. When they explained to up at school about these meetings they said that it’s an opportunity for us to practice speaking the language. But up until now the only thing I practiced was my Arabic. Even the few students of LAU that I met have a weakness in the pronunciation of some words or the formation of a whole phrase. It’s really agonizing. Any way the courses are quite boring.

So there is one thing coming up that I’m quite excited about, well actually two things. Nine days till my 16^th Birthday. (Now that I think about it there is actually 3 things worth a countdown) I’m have this dinner/dancing/singing thing with all of my friends at home. I really wish you could be there to celebrate by birthday, filming in the background, give me a hug. Just be there. I really miss you.

The second thing, is that I’m getting my tattoo done on Tuesday. It’s my Christmas/Birthday present. -. .. -. --- , that’s you. Nino. I’ve thought about it for a long time and I think I’m never going to regret it.

Third, it’s your birthday. I'll blow a candle for you. But, you won’t age, will you?

I’ve been depressed for quite a while now. I feel like I’m failing life. That’s I'll never grow to be some one strong. Any way I know you would come to be and tell me that that’s not true that I will become anyone I want to be. And try to explain to me otherwise. But I will look at you and tell you, “ yeah your right. Thanks.” But the feeling will remain. It’s been putting me down so much that now, I’m emotionally constipated. I can’t cry. The tears get stuck on my eyelashes because they’re sticky and they don’t sprint down my cheeks. It hurts but I just can’t. It’s that weird? it’s funny really. it’s been like a month maybe and I NEED TO CRY! but guess what? my body refuses. Am I lacking water? I don’t think so cause I’m peeing like a maniac. Ok you really didn’t need to know that.

So I say goodbye for now, and I promise to write soon.

I miss you extremely

Many many kisses

Your daughter that love you.

Letter 30

Hi dad!

How are you? I know this is gonna sound weird... On the 08/02/2007 you sent a message from +966505691190 to mom saying: "Bravo pour les resultats. I'll see you when i come home soon. bisous". 5 minutes later i couldn't find it anymore. Was it my hallucination? i got so frustrated when i couldn't find it anymore. I need it back! i know it may sound ridiculous but i really felt like you we talking to me. I still can't find it... But i'm getting at the bottom of this. I couldn't have hallucinated it, right? it must have been there...

Love you...

I miss you so much!