Letter 83

Hi Dad!

How are you? To tell you the truth, I do great during the day despite the work and the occasional bad grade but when I come home my mood plummets down the drain. The main cause recently? Mom.

Lately, we just can’t stand each other. I think it’s because we’re so close. When she has a bad day and has to put a face on in front of everyone else, when we’re alone she gets all quiet and aggressive if I ever say something wrong. The worst thing is, when I have an okay day and I want to share there is no one except mom. But mom is all grumpy and doesn’t even make an effort to pretend to be listening to me. It gets on my nerves so when I try to get her attention or opinion she stays passive. When I get frustrated she become hostile.

I just can’t stand being yelled at anymore. I’m not a kid anymore! And okay I understand she needs to let off steam but I have my limits too. So in three days mom qualified me as arrogant, selfish, ungrateful bitch who takes for granted everything she does for me. How can I not be hurt by this? Seriously, I can’t stand this anymore. I can’t stand her shouting, her insulting, her absent mindedness.

God it’s starting to get on my last nerve. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Last time not speaking to her for a few days didn’t solve anything. But if she doesn’t want to do an effort to be a tiny bit more present then I’m not going to do any effort at all. The only thing she’ll see of me is my closed bedroom door. Enough is enough. I’m nobody’s punching bag anymore I can’t take it. Finito. Done. If she wants to talk to me, a kiss or a note isn’t going to suffice. I want an apology. That’s it. I don’t give a damn if her ego takes a hit. I haven’t done anything. I only asked a quarter of attention and I get a scolding. Fuck this shit (sorry for the language I gave it my best shot to be polite but it’s too much for me…)

Je t’aime comme ça

I miss you soo much

Xxx

Letter 82

Hi Dad!

How are you? I woke up today with this eerie feeling. Like something was wrong. I think it started with this weird dream I had. It might sound stupid but it really disturbed me. I went crazy and they sent me to an asylum. They put me in a strait jacket. But the worst part of the dream was the feeling and emotions that went through me. It scared me. I felt hatred, anger, rage, torment, pain… sadness. It was like nothing that I ever felt before. I felt this extreme pressure in my chest. When I woke up, at first I didn’t remember the nightmare but that pressure in my chest was there. It wasn’t until later that it came back to me.  It’s 7 P.M. and the feeling still comes and goes. I want it gone.

The worst is that yesterday, my friend’s grandmother had a stroke. And fell into a coma. The doctors gave her a month to live. She died today…  I want so bad to be there with him, to help him though this tough time. I can’t stand him being so sad. He’s leaving tonight to go to France and stay with his family.

I guess in a way I hate that life goes on even though it seems like it stopped for you or someone else. I guess that’s what I don’t understand… Here I am on vacation, celebrating Christmas, tanning at the pool, a trip to Dubai planned the next day etc. while my friend is grieving the loss of a family member.

I hate these situations. I find myself at a loss for words. Whatsapp is so impersonal and makes it impossible to help in any way. I know that if it was me I would just want a hug and someone to just be there. How can I do that when I’m so far away?? I guess I’m frustrated. That’s what this feeling is. Frustration, guilt and this sensation of being powerless.

But the slap in the face is my philosophy teacher’s voice in my head, reciting the chapter on existentialism. Death is harsh. Very... We know that it’s going to happen to everyone but we still get shocked when it actually comes knocking at our door. It scares the crap out of me. It’s not the actual “I’m going to die” part of death, but it’s the “what comes after?” that gets my heart racing.

I guess you know the answer to that question.

I love you dad, so much

There’s a void without you...

Xxx

Symz

Letter 81

Hi Dad!
How are you? I miss you. I'm in Muscat now... The youneses are here this year. So the house is fuller than last year. It's the 26th today. Christmas came and went. It was a nice night. It actually flew by so quickly. In a way I'm glad. It was very fun and relaxed. It didn't feel like a duty. I didn't put much effort to entertain the "kids" like every year. I hung out with them for an hour and didn't feel bad leaving them the rest of the night. This year there was a band. An Omani one. Their playlist was nice. They played Long Train Runnin' and I thought of you. Not that I wasn't thinking about you during the whole night. Christmas isn't the same without you here. Especially when you used to sing Christmas carols and stress one some words. Hadi does that you know?  I miss you so much you do not understand.
To tell you the truth this year I wasn't so happy to come here. Not because I don't have a lot fun here. It's just this year I wanted to spend the vacation with my friends. I haven't seen them much since everyone started university... So I was hoping to see them before coming here but it didn't work out. I miss them. A lot actually. I saw a couple of them 2 weeks ago when I dropped off my SAT scores at AUB. I only saw them for a few minutes. Not nearly enough. They were exhausted and looked worn out which scared me a bit seeing that I’m applying to go there next year.
I love you pap.
And miss you so so much.
Love always
Your Symz
Xx

Letter 80

 

Hi Dad!

I guess I told you about the diet thing. I’m still on it. Right now it’s frustrating and irritating. It stagnated and I haven’t lost much in the past few week, months really. In total I lost around 14 kilos. I have no clothes that look good on me and I know it would be useless to buy some now but with what I lost until now I want to be able to dress better. Mom’s clothes are not my style so I can’t really raid her closet like I did yours… The past 2 weeks have been the hardest. Between the studies and the no food… Last time I was at Dr. Saliba, I asked him to give me a more varied plan because it was too repetitive and if I continued with the same food I would turn into a chicken that shits lettuce. “You are what you eat” right? So he gave me an amazing diet: Risotto, Sushi, Man’ouche, hamburgers… So after I starve at school, I arrive at home and eat…. Soup. Or salad. I’m not asking mum to cook and I don’t want to bother her… But she could help me out a bit. So I get even more frustrated adding the fact that I haven’t lost much and I take it out on mom. She’s the only one I can let out steam one. Then that turns into ugly –useless- fights then we get angry and leave. So there’s been a lot of tension between us. Especially that we don’t see each other much. Home isn’t so homey much these days.

Then there’s this one fight that got me so pissed off that I ended up sleeping over at Lyn’s. The thing is that I could have been avoided if mom let me take a cab. Simple solution right? That morning I had SAT. So I asked a friend to pick me up and go together. At around 2 mom was to pick me up after her brunch and drop me off at the Badminton tournament next to the airport. Mom called her friends at her cards game to tell them that she was going to be a bit late. Ok great! I felt a bit guilty because I knew she hated being late. So we arrived on the airport road and there was more traffic. My friend was giving me direction we missed the turn and then mom was furious. She started yelling at me non stop. The problem is that the day before I told her that I could take a cab it would be easier and now she was screaming at me. So I got mad and raised my voice telling her to stop. I know, I’m the daughter and I'm not supposed to talk like that but I was tired, I was supposed to play but they wouldn’t postpone my matches and I was missing out on three quarter of the game. She then said, ‘When you see me angry shut up’ and that made me furious. I replied no. I’m not 5 to be scared of someone because they’re angry much less shut up when I haven’t done anything. We found the place finally, I said thank you and left. All that because she was going to be late for her cards. Apart from that ugly morning and disgusting early afternoon, I had a nice time.

A bit of good news! Remember I told you about the dog? We didn’t end up getting a Golden Retriever but TWO French bulldogs. I know “WTF?!” right? First I chose one and all everything was paid for but he had diarrhea so we left him in the shop for a week. During that time mom couldn’t sleep because she liked his sister so much. So now each of us have their own dog.

 

Meet Kenzo (Male, Black one) and Kloe (Female, White one).  They’re the cutest.

I have to go… I have so much work to do.

Love you soooooo much

And it’s useless to tell you how much I miss you

Xxx

Syma

Letter 79

 

Hey Dad!

How’ve you been? It’s been a while, I know and I’m sorry. I visited you for the first time and I guess that it sort of made thing a bit more reel. I guess these letters are my way to deal with everything. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. But I don’t think I’m ready to stop. So let me tell you what’s been going on in my world.

So first of all I’m in terminale. Last year of school. Can you believe it? I can’t. It’s quite scary and exciting and a lot of work. Seriously, I’ve never studied this much in my entire life. If you add up all the hours that I studied during my whole life they wouldn’t even me one eighth of what I study in a week since this semester started. And now it’s even worse. I have exams next week and I don’t know how I’m going to finish. But it’s been fun. The atmosphere at school, although stressful, is nicer. Everyone’s closer to each other I guess. I don’t know how much of it is real and how much of it is fake but I don't really care. I started applying to universities. Surprisingly I’m eligible for early admission at AUB. That sparked up a bit of hope for me. I already sent everything except the SAT which I did, twice, and up until now didn’t get my scores. Those I’m stressing about. I need 1100 to get into some of the majors I applied to and 1200 for Graphic Design at AUB. So I’m checking online at least twice a day. I wrote my “essay” –a short paragraph technically-. It took awhile, a whole evening, while skyping with Aya. It was a funny sight. She was cooking in her kitchen in Berlin while I was typing. Here’s what I came up with:

‘When I was younger, I always used to stay up late next to my sister while she worked on her art projects surrounded by her pens and paints. Since then I always knew that I wanted to be surrounded by art and express myself though different creative means. She’s my role model and my goal is to follow in her footsteps and succeed as she did in her work thanks to her graphic design studies at AUB.

The program that AUB grants is unique in its teaching methods, which I feel no other university is able to offer me. I’m very excited to meet new people from different backgrounds through the many courses on offer at the university, and make lifelong connections and contacts, ultimately becoming part of the growing AUB alumni.

I am fascinated by the world of the Arts, and my multidisciplinary interest in culture, literature and design fuels my passions. I am ambitious and seek knowledge and experience of my own accord (such as securing a place in a video workshop organized by the team behind Shankaboot), as well as regularly working on self-initiated projects within the field of photography, drawing and crafts.

I do hope that I can give back to the AUB as much as I believe it will offer me as a student within its walls.’

It’s not that bad. I like it. But AUB isn’t my first choice. ALBA is. The major is broader: Art Graphique ET Publicite. Seeing that I don’t know which I want to go into I like the fact that ALBA merged them both together to make one. And I’ve heard really good things about it. But IF I get accepted at AUB I know that I’m going to get totally confused and lost. But that’s still a bit early to think about.

Moving on… My social life. So I’ve told you about the group of friends that I meet a few years ago. The ones from Lycee Nahr Brahim… Yeah well, they’re a year older than me and started university so I haven’t been able to see them much since everything started. As for the band that I joined, well I left. It's too much of a hassle. But all friendships are intact so that’s good. Another big news… I sort of have a boyfriend. Yeah big shocker there. Haha. He’s really cool. I like him a lot. He’s very cute both physically and personality wise. It’s still weird for me that I’m going out with someone. I guess I thought that I could never be loved… Yeah the whole image of little old me living alone with many many cats. You get the image… So it’s very bizarre. He makes me happy. I’ll tell you all about him later.

This letter is getting a bit long… I guess not writing did more bad than good…

Love you plus que comme ca

I miss you much

xxx

Letter 78

Hi Dad!
How are you? I’m good. I’m a bit bummed that summer’s over, I start school on two days. Terminale. Last year. So I organized an end of summer picnic with some friends. We’re probably going to watch a movie after lunch then go to Copas for karaoke night. Cool thing to do on the last day of summer. I can’t wait I already cooked the peanut butter cookies. Too bad I can eat any of them. But whatever.
As for school, after the first week I’m going to take a break and go to Istanbul. Funny no? But i ‘m really excited about it. I’m going to miss about 3 days of school. My friend is going to keep me informed and is going to scan me everything they worked on in my absence.
Daddy I’ve got some news, you know since Gia ran away? The house lost some of it’s life and since then it’s been quiet. So mum and me we’ve been talking about getting a dog. And after thinking long and hard we’ve decided to get…

A dark Golden Retriever.
We know it’s a big dog but I does okay in an apartment. We talked to the vet and he confirmed that. So we ordered it and he (or she, we still don’t know. Feels like I’m pregnant I swear I’m so excited.) should arrive in 2 to 3 weeks. So after Istanbul we’re going to call the vet to see if he arrived. I’m so glad. I even bought Dog Training for Dummies. I’ve been reading it (page by page) and am half way though it. I’m so happy and so is mom.
I have to go
but I’ll write as soon as I can.
Love you so much
Miss you even more.
Your Samsoum

Letter 77

 

Hey Dad!

How’ve you been? I miss you so much. I’m so sorry I didn’t write sooner. I guess I’ve been thinking about many things. I meant to visit you but I guess I’ve been postponing the visit… But I will soon.

So let me tell you about this summer. There’s so much to tell… I’ve been very busy and very productive. Before getting to that part let me start from the beginning.

First of all, I finished school so good. So I passed the first part of the BAC (l’anticipation). I was soo happy when I got the results. Here they are:

French écrit:   10     (not too happy about this one but whatever)

French oral:    15      ()

Sciences:          15

TPE:                    17     (That’s the project we worked on all year. I worked with Claudia and Loulwa. Out topic was a parallel between tattoos and literature. I had so much fun working on it –most of the times-)

Annnnnnnndd best result saved for last  *drum roll please*….

Math                                    19    (Great right?!?! That one made my week not only my day. I got the prize for the best in math in my class, not that it was that hard but still it means something right?)

So that goes for school. I start in a few weeks. I’m soo not in the mood. I don’t want summer to be over seriously. I’m having enormous amounts of fun.

The most shocking this is the fact that I’m going into my LAST year of school. Terminale. This year and I’m done. Weird huh?

Enough about school it depresses me whenever I think that I have to start waking up t 6 again. So let’s move on.

Next on the list is my weight. It came to a point where I couldn’t fit into my clothes. Here I would wear loose shirts and loose pants and not dare look into a mirror. But the worst thing is that I couldn’t really see it. So we drew a line mum, aya and me. And I started a diet. I went to see the dietitian and what he told me was like a bitch slap to the face (sorry for the foul mouth, because anything else would have been an understatement). He scared the crap right out of me.

Obese in the first degree.

Scariest thing I ever heard. So that’s where I drew a line. I’m done. I’m starting this thing and will never have to ever again in my life.

So now 2 and a half moths later, I’m down around 11 kg. Yeah it feels good. Really. I still can’t believe it. I still need to loose a lot more but it’s a start. So I started with 86 kg and my goal is to reach the 61. Then I can tell everyone that “yeah I lost 25 kg in my teenaged years.” 25 kg that’s a lot a kis batata. Hahaha. On this topic we will be talking about it for a while. So I’m gonna move on.

 

Next comes Hadi and Aya. They came we had a great time although not all together but still.  Aya had her solo exhibition which was amazing as usual. And Hadi well we had an amazing time together. We had a few driving lessons seeing that I’m gonna be 18 in 6 months (  Yay!!) 

 

I have to go but this letter is just the beginning soo I’ll talk to you soon, I promise.

Love you so much it hurts..

A thousand kisses

Xxx