lundi 26 décembre 2011

Letter 82

Hi Dad!
How are you? I woke up today with this eerie feeling. Like something was wrong. I think it started with this weird dream I had. It might sound stupid but it really disturbed me. I went crazy and they sent me to an asylum. They put me in a strait jacket. But the worst part of the dream was the feeling and emotions that went through me. It scared me. I felt hatred, anger, rage, torment, pain… sadness. It was like nothing that I ever felt before. I felt this extreme pressure in my chest. When I woke up, at first I didn’t remember the nightmare but that pressure in my chest was there. It wasn’t until later that it came back to me.  It’s 7 P.M. and the feeling still comes and goes. I want it gone.
The worst is that yesterday, my friend’s grandmother had a stroke. And fell into a coma. The doctors gave her a month to live. She died today…  I want so bad to be there with him, to help him though this tough time. I can’t stand him being so sad. He’s leaving tonight to go to France and stay with his family.
I guess in a way I hate that life goes on even though it seems like it stopped for you or someone else. I guess that’s what I don’t understand… Here I am on vacation, celebrating Christmas, tanning at the pool, a trip to Dubai planned the next day etc. while my friend is grieving the loss of a family member.
I hate these situations. I find myself at a loss for words. Whatsapp is so impersonal and makes it impossible to help in any way. I know that if it was me I would just want a hug and someone to just be there. How can I do that when I’m so far away?? I guess I’m frustrated. That’s what this feeling is. Frustration, guilt and this sensation of being powerless.
But the slap in the face is my philosophy teacher’s voice in my head, reciting the chapter on existentialism. Death is harsh. Very... We know that it’s going to happen to everyone but we still get shocked when it actually comes knocking at our door. It scares the crap out of me. It’s not the actual “I’m going to die” part of death, but it’s the “what comes after?” that gets my heart racing.
I guess you know the answer to that question.
I love you dad, so much
There’s a void without you...