lundi 26 avril 2010

Letter 44

Hi Dad!
How are you? I feel like I'm a mist. A mute one at that. I feel like anything i say is irrelevant or stupid. I feel like what i say doesn't matter. I don't know how many people today just ignored and some times stopped me short in the middle of my sentence to say something random or even change the subject. Teb have the curtsy to at least let me finish these two last words then do whatever you want. I'm sick and tired to always be the one listening. Will some one listen to me? Just for a change. Really, i promise i don't say anything too boring or uninteresting. I'll try not to be stupid or lame. But just hear me out for a moment.
I feel stupid. Really i do dad. I can't help it. It's that feeling again thew one you can't chase away.
I love you my daddy
I miss you more everyday
A million kisses

samedi 24 avril 2010

Thank you for listening to me. I feel your presence and your love. I really do.

Letter 43

Hi Dad!
How are you? I can't take it anymore. Everyone's obsessing about their weight. Really it's not about health anymore, and it's getting on my nerves. That's how young people start to be paranoid and start to be anorexic or bulimic. There are girls that are thin as paper that want to go on a diet. Now what triggers the thought of being overweight? The omnipresence of the friggen subject on everyone's lips! Really. One day, the same day, TWO teachers, two DIFFERENT teachers comes to class and talked about weight, diet, fat foods, our body, our muscles, and all that crap bullshit.
I can point out to you, which teacher stapled her stomach, which one did a gastric bypass (ou un anneau autour de l'estomac pour reduir sa taille). It's everywhere and it's not healthy to hear about it 24/7. I really can't take it anymore.
I know people that tell me to loose weight do it for my own good. But they should know that constantly hearing about it does nothing but depress me more and make me more uncomfortable in my own body and more self-conscious than i already am. I sometimes feel disgusted with myself and make me feel horrible. It's not like i don't know it. It's not like i'm lying to myself every time i look in the mirror. I KNOW it. Just stop. Stop looking at me. Leave me alone. I'm guilty enough as it is. No need to add to that pressure.
I love you and miss you so
Your Symz

vendredi 23 avril 2010

I'm so sorry...

jeudi 22 avril 2010

Letter 42

Hi Dad!
How are you? I miss you! How's everything going where ever you are? I hope everything is well, and that you're happy.
Yesterday, mum and me went to Rasha's exposition. It was really nice. Some people's art is just breathtaking. For example Emi Miyashita is just unbelievable. She hung 4 drawings -i think- pencil on paper and hung next to each one a magnifying glass (really funky ones). You look though it and see the tiniest details. What i really can't wrap around my head is the fact that it's all pencil.
Rasha's photography is amazing. Really. i don't really know what to say. It's just like... I admire her so much. I really hope i turn out as talented as her.
I have to go study...
I love you my dearest daddy.
No one misses you as much as i do...
Kisses

mardi 13 avril 2010

Update







I thought maybe you'd like an update on Batroun House. Here are some pictures...

A memorie

Do you remember when you used to be in Lebanon we used to fight over who sits where on the kitchen table? I miss that...

lundi 12 avril 2010

A moment to remember.

video
I miss this so much.

Letter 41

Hi Dad!
How are you? I’m exhausted. My Easter vacation was extended till tomorrow. So today is my last day of vacation. Do you know why they let me and 5 other friends miss school? Because of MUN. You remember I told you about it? The Model United Nations? Well this whole weekend was the final conference and it was so tiring. So we were divided into our comities I was in HRC (Human Rights Council) and we had religious intolerance as a topic we had to debate and discuss about. You see my luck? The worst. And I represented Djibouti (an Islamic country in the horn of Africa). So the topic I get is only subject I really despise. And it’s not like anyone is going to be WITH religious intolerance. So there wasn’t really a debate. But it was a good experience.
The first day I was seated next to a friend (he represented Finland and we were seated alphabetically) so it wasn’t that bad. But it was a LONG day. We all went to LAU in JBEIL. So I had to wake up at 6 leave at 6:30 be at school at 7, to arrive to LAU at 8. Not the best way you want to wake up on a weekend. So as unorganized Lebanese people are there was a problem with the classes so wee ended up starting at 10. From 12 to 1 was our lunch brake than from 1 to 4 we were back in class. then there was the global village but we didn’t assist we all wanted to go back home. The next day was practically the same. But we started at 9:30. But instead of the global village we had to go to UNESCO to get out certificate and awards. That lasted 2 long hours but I was between friends so it wasn’t that bad.
You know what was quite funny? The difference between our school and my friends’ school. They had an adviser and two teachers assist them from the very beginning. My school, the student adviser actually asked us: what Is MUN? And we were alone since day one. We had to register on our own and keep in contact with the bus while keeping track were was everyone and making sure we didn’t forget anyone behind and all. The MUN advisers and secretaries were quite surprised when we told them we needed help seeing we didn’t have an adviser of our own. The teachers from the other schools made sure every student did their work and kept encouraging them. We felt we just had to be there and we really weren’t serious during the whole thing. But it’s over and we are all glad.
I send you my love and kisses
Your daughter that misses you deeply

Letter 40

Hi Dad!
How are you? I feel used. But I'm not sure. Woah that sounds so pathetic. See I went out once, a few days ago with two of my friends. At some point during the night these two got a bit more than friendly and left me sitting there on my own. So I just brushed it off and walked around a bit and not too far. And a bit turned out to be longer than I expected. The whole night, to be more precise. But the idiot that I am I shut up and thought nothing of it. What was I supposed to do? I knew that they had a thing for each other for a while. Two days ago, we decided to go out again. The three of us. Everything was going fine seeing that I asked them to control themselves and to acknowledge my presence. But as the night dragged on everything went down hill again. And I was left alone. Again feeling like the third wheel. And just like the last time, I walked around the neighborhood and visited a bit farther. I looked at my watch and it turns out that I've been gone for more than 45 minutes. But guess what my friends don't really care that I wasn't present or anywhere to be found. They just went on with their business. 45 minutes. 45 goddamned minutes. And not one missed call or message. Well maybe that was a bit hard seeing that their phones weren't there (the guardian of the next building took both their phones thinking someone lost them. But he is great because when they realized that the music wasn't playing any more and panicked, he came up to them holding both phones and gave them back) they both looked at me and though I took the phones. What's worse is that they didn't even think of asking me where I've been for these 45 minutes. Really what was I doing there? was I supposed to keep watch on their stuff while they made out? Really?!?!?! What am I really to them? Am I being used? I really feel like I am. I am so lost. And mad. That was two days ago. And guess what? They didn’t call me to apologize. They knew how pissed off I was. And I still am. I actually sat with one of them in the taxi alone. Wasn’t that a good time to discuss what happened that night? I still can’t believe it. But what did I expect? I know her and she doesn’t care about anyone but herself.
And I miss you so much
Kisses
Your daughter that loves you

mercredi 7 avril 2010

Letter 39

Hi Dad!
How are you? Why am i so freaked about mom's new addiction. Why can't i get used to the fact that she's a smoker again. Maybe not the usual Marlboro light kind but the hookah. She just bought a new one yesterday and I'm really worried about her health. Why did she stop smoking in the first place? Because she thought she might have something in her lungs. That scared her so she stopped. What if that black shadow on the X-ray once nothing becomes fatal? I'm scared. I shouldn't be this concerned and all but some days she smokes two a day. And for a long period of time. I've tried the cigarette again a few days ago. It didn't bother me like it once did. But i didn't really find the taste pleasant. But i don't think i'll turn out to be a smoker. Everyone that is one told me how destructive it could be. I've seen it with my own eyes. The depression people pass though to stop. I don't want to be dependent on a drug of any source. But still my curiosity does get the best part of me some times.
I miss you so much
Kisses and Hugs
I love you my daddy

mardi 6 avril 2010

Two loving smiles

Letter 38

Hi Dad!
How are you? I'm doing good. I'm on vacation. Easter. But it doesn't really feel like it. I miss the family. And you. I really miss you during festive season. You were the one that cracked all the jokes and lifted anyone's mood. And you know what we don't do anymore? We never video tape. I miss that. And the fact that you never forget to mention the date in the beginning. Heh, I miss that
I've been going out a lot lately. I really like the friends i've made recently. They're the best. They're so fun to be around. It's such a big contrast with the people i technically live with at school. I like that. I like change. I live for it. I think it's cause i get bored very quickly. That's actually bad. I like t think that we live once and that i should try different things out. I have in mind to cut my hair. It's so long now its a pain in the ass. Actually it arrives till there. Almost. and it's getting harder to brush. Okay why am i talking about my hair?
How are you? am i ever going to get an answer? Or should i just answer with what i want to hear? It's really frustrating you know. The fact that we don't know were you are, or what you are. Are you there? I can feel you there. But what are you? A ghost? or gost as my english teacher would say. Or are you a flickering light? A fire that will never burn out? A memory...
I love you my dearest daddy.
I miss you more than ever.
Kisses from your youngest daughter.